I know this is the job Rahm Emanuel was supposed to be doing.

Now, don't get me wrong. I have always admired Rahm Emanuel (if you don't count his getting NAFTA pushed
through Congress in the '90s which destroyed towns like Flint, Michigan. I know, picky-picky.). He is what we
needed for a long time -- a no-apologies, take-no-prisoners fighting machine. Someone who is not afraid to get
his hands dirty and pound the right wing into submission. Far from being the foul-mouthed bully he has been
portrayed as, Rahm is the one who BEAT UP the bullies to protect us from them.

That's certainly what he did in 2006. After six long, miserable years of the middle-class getting slaughtered and
the poor being flushed down the toilet, Rahm Emanuel took on the job of returning Congress to the Democrats.
No one believed it could be done.

But he did it. Big time. He put the fear of God into the party of Rush and Newt. They had never been so scared.
More importantly, though, he instilled a sense of hope in the Democrats that they could actually score the mother
of all hat tricks in 2008 -- and with you, an African American no less, in the pole position!

It worked. The Darkness ended. The vast majority of nation wept with joy on the night of the election (those who
weren't weeping went out and bought a record number of guns and ammo). Unlike the last president, you didn't
"win" by 537 votes in Florida (although Gore won the popular vote by a half-million), you beat McCain
nationally by 9,522,083 votes! The House Democrats got a walloping 79-vote margin. The Senate Dems would
caucus with a supermajority of 60 votes unheard of in over 30 years. The wars would now end. America would
have universal health care. Wall Street and the banks would, at the very least, be reined in. Hardworking citizens
would not be thrown out of their homes. It was supposed to be the dawning of a new age.

But the Republicans were not going to go quietly into the night. You see, instead of having just one Rahm
Emanuel, they are ALL Rahm Emanuels. That's why they usually win. Unlike most Democrats, they are relentless
and unstoppable. When they believe in something (which is usually themselves and the K Street job they hope to
be rewarded with someday), they'll fight for it till the death. They are loyal to a fault to each other (they were
never able to denounce Bush, even though they knew he was destroying the party). They dig their heels in deep
no matter what. If you exiled them to a lone chunk of melting polar ice cap, they would keep insisting that it was
just a normal "January thaw," even as the frigid Arctic waters rose above their God-fearing necks ("See what I
mean -- this water is COLD! What 'global *warming*'?! Adam and Eve rode dinos...aagghh!!... gulp gulp gulp").

We thought we were all done with this craziness, but we were mistaken. Like a beast that you just can't cage, the
Republicans convinced not only the media, but YOU and your fellow Dems, that 59 votes was a *minority*!
Precious time was lost trying to reach a "consensus" and trying to be "bipartisan."
Well, you and the Democrats have been in charge now for over a year and not one banking regulation has been
reinstated. We don't have universal health care. The war in Afghanistan has escalated. And tens of thousands of
Americans continue to lose their jobs and be thrown out of their homes. For most of us, it's just simply no longer
good enough that Bush is gone. Woo hoo. Bush is gone. Yippee. That hasn't created one new friggin' job.

You're such a good guy, Mr. President. You came to Washington with your hand extended to the Republicans and
they just chopped it off. You wanted to be respectful and they decided that they were going to say "no" to
everything you suggested. Yet, you kept on saying you still believed in bipartisanship.

Well, if you really want bipartisanship, just go ahead and let the Republicans win in November. Then you'll get all
the bipartisanship you want.

Let me be clear about one thing: The Democrats on Election Day 2010 are going to get an ass-whoopin' of
biblical proportions if things don't change right now. And after the new Republican majority takes over, they,
along with a few conservative Democrats in Congress, will get to bipartisanly impeach you for being a socialist
and a citizen of Kenya. How nice to see both sides of the aisle working together again!

And the brief window we had to fix this country will be gone.

Gone.

Gone, baby, gone.

I don't know what your team has been up to, but they haven't served you well. And Rahm, poor Rahm, has turned
into a fighter -- not of Republicans, but of the left. He called those of us who want universal health care "f***ing
retarded." Look, I don't know if Rahm is the problem or if it's Gibbs or Axelrod or any of the other great people
we owe a debt of thanks to for getting you elected. All I know is that whatever is fueling your White House it's
now running on fumes. Time to shake things up! Time to bring me in to get you pumped up every morning! Go
Barack! Yay Obama!  Fight, Team, Fight!

I'm packed and ready to come to D.C. tomorrow. If it helps, you won't really be losing Rahm entirely because I'll
be bringing his brother with me -- my agent, Ari Emanuel. Man, you should see HIM negotiate a deal! Have you
ever wanted to see Mitch McConnell walking around Capitol Hill carrying his own head in his hands after it's
just been handed to him by the infamous Ari? Oh, baby, it won't be pretty -- but boy will it be sweet!

What say you, Barack? Me and you against the world! Yes we can! It'll be fun -- and we may just get something
done. Whaddaya got to lose? Hope?

Retardedly yours,
Michael Moore
MMFlint@aol.com
MichaelMoore.com

P.S. Just to give you an idea of the new style I'll be bringing with me, when a cornhole like Sen. Ben Nelson tries
to hold you up next time, this is what I will tell him in order to get his vote: "You've got exactly 30 seconds to
rescind your demand or I will personally make sure that Nebraska doesn't get one more federal dollar for the rest
of Obama's term. And then I will let everyone in your state know that you wear Sooner panties, backwards. NOW
DROP AND GIVE ME 50!"   
President Obama: Replace Rahm with Me ...an open letter from Michael Moore

Friday, March 5th, 2010

Dear President Obama,
I understand you may be looking to replace Rahm Emanuel as your chief of staff.
I would like to humbly offer myself, yours truly, as his replacement.

I will come to D.C. and clean up the mess that's been created around you. I will work for $1 a year. I will help the
Dems on Capitol Hill find their spines and I will teach them how to nonviolently beat the Republicans to a pulp.

And I will help you get done what the American people sent you there to do. I don't need much, just a cot in the
White House basement will do.

Now, don't get too giddy with excitement over my offer, because you and I are going to be up at 5 in the morning,
7 days a week and I am going to get you pumped up for battle every single day (see photo). Each morning you
and I will do 100 jumping jacks and you will repeat after me:
"THE AMERICAN PEOPLE ELECTED ME, NOT THE REPUBLICANS, TO RUN THE COUNTRY! I AM IN
CHARGE! I WILL ORDER ALL OBSTRUCTIONISTS OUTTA MY WAY! IF THE AMERICAN PEOPLE DON'T LIKE
WHAT I'M DOING THEY CAN THROW MY ASS OUT IN 2012. IN THE MEANTIME, I CALL THE SHOTS ON
THEIR BEHALF! NOW, CONGRESS, DROP AND GIVE ME 50!!"

Then we will put on our jogging sweats and run up to Capitol Hill. We will take names, kick butts, and then take
some more names. If we have to give a few noogies or half-nelson's, then so be it. In our pockets we will have a
piece of paper to show the pansy Dems just how much they won by in 2008 -- and the poll results that show the
majority of Americans oppose the Afghanistan and Iraq wars and want the bankers punished. Like drill
sergeants, we will get right up in their faces and ask them, "WHAT PART OF THE PUBLIC MANDATE DON'T
YOU UNDERSTAND, SOLDIER?!! DROP AND GIVE ME 50!"
I tried to position this page better or reword it at the top, but there was no better way then to start
it off with Michael Moore’s open-letter to President Barack Obama.

I suppose the beginning could have read one of the two following ways:
  • Breaking News: Michael Moore to replace Rahm Emanuel’s Chief of Staff position
  • This is just in: President Obama has chosen Michael Moore as his new Chief of Staff.

One can hope and dream right?

I suppose Mr. Moore thought he was being witty when he signed his open letter to President
Obama as “Retardedly Michael,” but seriously, the President
should consider Mr. Moore’s offer.  
If not, consider a change in staff as we The People can use all the help we can get.  And I
wholeheartedly agree with Mr. Moore that the President should forget bi-partisanship as everyone
knows that the Republicans aren’t going to play that game.  In fact, that
is their game: pretending
that they want to.


Saturday, March 6, 2010

Dear Mr. Moore,
If there is anyone in the world that can whip the president into shape, it’s you!
Oh and if you need an assistant, be sure to
email me and I will be more than willing to submit my
résumé.  My only requirement is that you pay me 0.20 cents of your $1.00 salary.  (I’ll continue to
pay for my high-priced insurance premiums on my own as it’s the least I can do for The People!)

Oh and forget starting a new movement as we have enough of them already so instead, work on
and improve on what we already have.

Signed yours TRULY,
K Smith
admin@keeba.org
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Michael Moore Replaces Rahm Emanuel
              Michael Moore to Replace Rahm Emanuel
Posted Friday, February 26, 2010
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Keeba Smith is a published writer and desired screenplay artist.  She is the author of “Shades of Bright Pale,” and many other
unacquainted writings. Please visit
www.Keeba.org to find out more about Keeba Smith, read additional critiques and her
unpublished autobiography,
“Spirit in the Dark.”
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